Insights from Susan Shapiro Barash on Female Infidelity

Barash explains that women cheat for various reasons, including the pursuit of intimacy, self-esteem, empowerment, and the thrill of novelty. One illustrative case she shares is of a 53-year-old woman from Detroit, referred to as “Clarice,” who has been married for 29 years. Clarice candidly states that her extramarital activities are primarily about sex and self-worth, indicating that for her, this is a form of personal enjoyment akin to watching movies.

Barash has been studying female infidelity since 1991, drawn by the complexities of women's roles in society. She has conducted extensive interviews with a diverse group of women, gathering insights through newspaper ads, fitness centers, and online forums.

The prevalence of infidelity has increased over the past three decades, according to Barash, due to greater access to potential lovers facilitated by social media, smartphones, and various social settings. Women today possess more autonomy, enabling them to navigate relationships away from traditional boundaries. Most are adept at maintaining secrecy about their affairs, understanding that revelation would cause significant distress to their partners.

In her observations, Barash identifies four primary motivations for infidelity among women: empowerment affairs, sex-driven pursuits, love affairs, and self-esteem affairs. Empowerment affairs provide women with a sense of control, while sex-driven affairs arise from dissatisfaction with the physical aspects of their marriage. Love affairs can complicate existing relationships, and self-esteem affairs typically emerge from feelings of neglect or invisibility in a monogamous partnership.

The COVID-19 pandemic has prompted many women to reassess their lives and relationships, with some indicating a new sense of urgency about living life fully, which has, in some cases, led to infidelity. Women working from home have reported changes in their perception of their partners, leading to a rise in virtual or emotional affairs.

Emotional affairs, Barash asserts, are significant and can be as damaging as physical ones. They involve deep emotional connections and shared secrets, which can disrupt primary relationships despite lacking physical interaction.

Infidelity can occur at any age and is often influenced by the demands of parenting, which can diminish romance in relationships. Barash's research indicates that most women ultimately end the affair, but for many, it serves as a catalyst for personal discovery regarding their marriages.

When infidelity is revealed, more men are reportedly open to seeking therapy and addressing the underlying issues in their marriages. This shift suggests a growing willingness among men to engage in discussions about relationship dynamics rather than simply viewing such betrayals as deal-breakers.

Susan Shapiro Barash has authored thirteen nonfiction books focused on women’s issues and explores themes such as gender dynamics and personal identity. She is also known for her fiction under the pen name Susannah Marren and teaches writing at various institutions.